Published on October 9th, an entry from a while ago:
Today it is Friday, September 15th.
I remember that on Sunday (the 10th of September) I went for a run. I also meditated about 21 minutes. On this day, I went to the yoga and meditation group I first started practicing yoga at a few months ago.
Then my friend and I went for a walk and got Panera soup. After Panera I saw a rat trap, so I put tape on the holes so that the rats couldn’t get in and die from the posion within.
When my friend and I passed a pet store, they stopped and asked me if they should get something for their dog. I said “umm…” and looked at them for a while, hoping they would change their mind without me saying no. I had a gift for their dog I wanted to share after dropping them off, and figured there was no need in looking for a toy when it was already bound to get something.
Who knows, maybe the dog could benefit from twice the gifts… My friend changed their mind.
The reason I ddin’t want to say no is because I didn’t think I could say that, without giving away the reason too soon.
On Monday I meditated for 42 minutes. I also ran.
I think this was the day that I ate two cheese sandwiches with hot sauce right after geting home. Then I went for a run. That wasn’t the best idea.
I puked a little in my mouth and had to deal with the outcomes of that while running. For most of my runs I gauge how difficult they are based on how disgusting I would look to someone passing them while running.
On this day, as I spit to get the puke taste out of my mouth and the wind took little spittles and threw it back onto me, I knew that my run was extremely difficult.
More than three times I was ready to puke everything out of my stomach, including the olive mayo I’d added to my unhealthy cheese sandwich. I kept it inside my stomach and was determined not to puke, and it worked out somewhat.
On this day I meditated for an hour and 24 minutes. I ran again.
The meditation group I was going to join on this day was cancelled. I was realy tired so I went home and slept from about 7 PM to 7 AM.
I think on Wednesday I chose to stop doing my daily rhythms for a bit. I figured I was exhausted and since I was no longer able to keep it up, I should just stop.
Throughout Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, I had kept up with just about all of them but I was still having a hard time logging the successes in Chains.cc.
Also since I’ve been standing at work, since i set up my desk so that I can always stand, my ankles have been extremely fatigued. Sometimes while standing I would get piercing pain shooting through them and I would stand for a few more minutes, battling it for as long as I could.
Because of the way I lean to one side to make standing more comfortable, my left hip began to hurt.
I figured it was time to take a break from running or having to worry about me not checking off my daily ryhthms, if only for a bit. If .I am serious about coming back strong, then I will do it properly.
I have realized that before I was succeeding in getting all of my habits completed because I was waking up early enough to make it possible.
Waking up before 5: 30 AM would indicate that I would likely, with 99% accuracy, complete the rest of my day as planned and desired. Waking up afterwards hasn’t been faring me so well.
On Thursday I left work at 13 hours after I arrived. This is for a variety of reasons, mostly due to some scheduling inefficiencies of when I have certain software available. I am doing my best to work around this and ensure that I don’t have to stay so late again.
When I got home I worked for about another hour or so, on a website I had to get some urgent updates completed for.
Before going to bed I packed for the yoga retreat ahead, that would be occuring this weekend.
Today during lunch I meditated 42 minutes.
After work I picked up my friend from their home. We ate before leaving, and I made cheese sandwiches. It was really funny because they felt bad just giving me a bunch of ingredients, and telling me how much pesto they like on their sandwich, and how not to melt the mozzarella too much because then they feel like they’re going to choke, and then they went off to their room to pack. They thought this was funny because it was like I was a perosn at Panera taking their order and they were just giving me all this information.
From my prespective, I found it funny because every day after work I make myself cheese sandwiches. I had no better task to do as my friend packed than to make us some food, especially since we were both so hungry our stomaches were hurting.
I told my friend about this afterwards and they found it funny because they said that they neve rmake cheese sandwiches when getting home. It was just a one-off thing, that I may have been radiating. I certaintly was because my stomach was dying for some food.
This reminds me about Sunday’s yoga session. The instructor said to give our stomaches love. Maybe it was the Tuesday before at another yoga class. I don’t remember.
Thinking back on how I’ve been treating my stomach, by feeding it with a lot of cheese and bread, or nothing at all, this is certainly a good thing to keep in mind.
I like that today’s cheese sandwich was different from what I usually make. Different cheese, different sauce (pesto instead of hot sauce and mayo), different bread (whole wheat), different method (panini press instead of microwave), and different approach (tomatoes added instead of lettuce).
Basically today’s cheese sandwich making revolutionized my life. There’s no other way to put it.
After eating we made our way to the yoga retreat.
I met a few interesting people there, and accidentally spoke more than I intended in the very first hour of being there (after meditation ended).
I often go into places thinking “I will be quiet and I will not speak a lot.” But after just saying one sentence to one person that I met there, others asked questions and as I began to answer them, more questions popped up.
I thought back to what the Critical Critiqer said a few days or a week ago. I wondered if I care about what others think of me.
I’m not sure what picture I paint of myself to those that meet me. I’m not necessairly sure I gauge my worth on what others think. If anything, I do suffer from being impacted by negative assumptiosn made of me. So I guess if that’s there then by form of duality, then I am impacted in such a way that I want to leave a positive impression so that there’s no negative assumptions.
But that’s impossible.
Consider for example something I consider others may judge me on. I don’t eat meat but I wear leather shoes. I bought them myself over a year ago. I love those shoes.
Just recently I realized there’s no point in having leather products. I’m not going to throw them away. I’m not going to hide them.
So I walk in those shoes, and they’re my favorite pair of shoes right now, and it’s easy for others to assume things about me.
But at that point I tell myself that all of existence is nonduality. No one is judging me because I’m not judging me. I know I got those shoes prior to becoming more aware. I don’t go around in my day to day contradicting myself, at least when it comes to not eating meat and then having leather produts, and even if I did it would be alright.
Speaking of, it’s not quite clear why I don’t eat meat.
Tomorrow I will take some ethical oaths. I will also learn a personalized mantra.
By tomorrow I will have also reached 3,000 minutes of mediating. Something I started on attaining a few months ago, when I went to my first meditation group, and I was handed an envelope with a meditation minute tracker and a goal of 3,000 minutes.
During today’s Kirtan singing, I felt warm and I liked it. This happened because I’m wearing an undershirt and a long sleeve warm shirt. Usually I am uncomfortable when it’s warm, and even as I type this with long sleeves and long pants on I am very warm.
After completing kundalin classes I liked the feeling of shivastina with a blanket on. it keeps all the heat in your body that’s radiating out, after intense activity, and it feels quite lovely.
I did that a few times after running in the morning and then meditating with a blanket on.
That’s something I miss. I want to bring back my early wakes, as well as my daily running.
This Monday, I will attempt to run a 5: 30 mile. I feel like I’ve been gaining weight and becoming sluggish, and that even a 5: 35 mile will be difficult.
With my rest, and my new found desire to improve, I feel that it will be more than enough to succeed.
Also published on Medium.