Today I had quite a few projects to work on that I set aside for some reason, to read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse.
I went to the doctor and got a prescription in the morning, for an antibiotic, in case I don’t get better. I also got some decongestion medicine. Then I was unsettled and couldn’t focus to begin working on my projects. I read Siddhartha in one sitting more or less, and was absolutely blown away.
I highly recommend this book. It was given to me by a friend and I’m tremendously grateful for them and for the book and for its author.
While reading, I was called by a friend who needs help tomorrow with editing their paper before turning it in. This friend had a few days to complete this assignment but they have anxiety and procrastinate, just like I do. I more or less cancelled my hiking plans to ensure that I could help them edit their paper when they’d get done around 3 PM, in order to get it turned in by 5 PM tomorrow.
My hiking plans with a group of friends turned into going to a garden early, with another friend, which I don’t mind.
This person who I’m helping with the essay, I told them that what has helped me before when on a tight deadline and having a lot of work to complete is the Pomodoro technique. They texted me after our call that they were using this method. I was surprised. They then said…
You are my guru, I listen to you.
Wow. If that isn’t the most clear thing someone has said to me, I don’t know what is.
Then a while later the woman who I met at yoga class on Tuesday responded to a Nahko and Medicine for the People song I had sent her, via text. They said something interesting:
I am so honored to have met Myself (in you). I really want to work with you Octavian.
In regards to working together, they’re referring to the photography and videography I enjoy. In regards to being honored to have met me, this is new to me. I meet people all the time who like me and are glad to have met me. This person however makes me feel a new height I have never felt before.
Just days ago I was wondering what it would be like if I was meditating with my selves. Yes, you read that correctly. This is not a typo. From the time that a woman thought she’d seen me as a monk at a Thai Temple when I went to an ashram, I’ve been randomly having fleeting imaginations of meditating with other people who are me. Thus, meditating with my selves.
Speaking with this woman is strikingly exactly what I imagined conversations with my selves to be like.
To make it even more interesting, within a few texts from myself she said “you sound like me when you speak.”
Isn’t that weird?
I didn’t think I would open up this much on a medium that is public, but just last year in December I was in a different state than I am in now. I remember a sad time when I was on the floor, crying softly, asking for help, asking for someone to please help me. Help me please, I need help I begged. I was not in a good state. I was expecting God to come forth and help me. I don’t quite remember why I was this sad. If I had to guess, it would have been due to my first relationship.
A few days later I discovered the Hare Krishna chant while randomly reading about topics that interested me. Then I began to chant Hare Krishna when sad and when happy, and things got better. I didn’t know it then, but God had heard me. God came down to help.
Since then, I’ve called upon God’s wisdom and guidance again in times of strength and at times that were completely different from my vulnerable and sad heap of self I was experiencing.
I didn’t quite keep track of what has been happening to myself, through my transformation, so today and these past few days it’s kind of been hitting me like a train.
I’m sitting reading a book about a fictional Siddhartha, thinking that if I had read this book a few years prior and then told my story of my psyche the past few years that someone would think I was merely copying the book’s plot. How is it possible that I can resonate with a book so much? I do not know this.
I’m sitting here, reading this book, being told I am a guru, and receiving communication from an enlightened and compassionate and intelligent woman, all at once. Coincidence, after coincidence of goodness is coming through, in my thoughts I’m realizing so many things.
All of a sudden, I begin to cry tears of happiness. I realize that a year ago when I was on the floor and sad, I did not know it then, but I needed that moment to be able to feel happy in this moment. I would never feel as happy as I do now if I didn’t have that moment where I felt so unhappy. This is what brought my tears forward: realizing that a year ago I cried without knowing how happy I would be in such a short amount of time. Then I asked myself if my recent ignorance and blunders this past year would one day make me cry with happiness too, I felt that they would briefly but I didn’t have faith to sustain such a feeling for long; and I didn’t need the faith. My tears kept rolling through, my body knew all of my past blunders would make me this happy with realization within a short amount of time.
I did become a little paranoid that this woman who reached out to me had somehow found my blog and read about my thoughts and feelings about her. For example, she let me know that I can call or text her anytime, anything at all. When I first met her I wrote on here that I was too shy to ask for her number.
How can she possibly know to make me aware that I have no reason to be shy or overly reserved? If she hasn’t somehow found this site then she must be so in tune, I can’t even fathom that level of connectedness.
I used to be able to. In fact, that’s what reading Siddhartha helped me with today. I began to remember the realizations and knowledge and wisdom I held when I was 18 years old. That for me was somehow a golden time. It was when I was eating, living, and breathing as consciousness itself for a few brief months. Atman, Brahman, Oneness, I was all of that and none of it all at once for a few brief months. My literary works were soaring, short stories and poems. My artwork was soaring. My spirits were always in good shape.
Now I just realized something for the first time in my life. The long-distance relationship I had around that time started to turn sour, and then shortly after I ended my meditations and decided to move nearly 1,200 miles.
I had thought that I decided to move because where I was, my mental state of Brahman, was no longer stimulating because I wasn’t scared or confused or worried about anything. In hindsight, it seems like I nudged out of my Nirvana Nest by small yet unfortunate events that made me distrust everything, including my new-found bliss.
I usually don’t open up this much for this blog. I don’t know why I am now.
I subscribed to a service called 750 words yesterday, which lets you write 750 words a day and keep track of your progress. It’s good for the mind to journal. The cost of this service is $5 a month. I figured paying for it would prompt me to write more into it. I think that by writing into this personal 750 words account, I somehow activated the opening-up part of my brain while writing, which is now coming out as well while writing this entry.
It can be a little hard to write in two different places, every day though.
Since yesterday I’ve been considering whether I should move to a personal 750 words writing habit, or continue these pieces, or try both at the same time.
For now, I am undecided. I will definitely go with both for today, even though I don’t have much time and I need some sleep.
Tomorrow I will wake at 7:30 AM or so to prepare and get ready, so that I can leave and get to my friend’s house at 9 AM and go to a garden with them.
It is 12:44 AM now which means that if I write for 15 minutes, I will get 6.5 hours of sleep.
The one downside of writing so much on a computer screen is that it activates parts of your brain which want to keep you up at night. I must be diligent and install Flux on this computer to ensure that I am minimizing the amount of blue colors coming into my eyes.
Speaking of blue, I would like to share a song I sang and sent today to the woman that the majority of today’s note has been about. (The background music was added later, I didn’t send her the music version you can click on below).
It is called My Dear Angel and available on SoundCloud.
I hope you enjoy it, along with the writings that I put forth. Thank you for reading.
If you’re on Medium and enjoy my work, please hold the clap icon for as long as you can or click/tap on recommend. This tells the computer algorithms that my work is worth reading. And if you really want to support me and get my craft seen by a wider audience, please feel free to share this piece on social media.
I really appreciate your time. I figure that if you can take time out of your day to read this, I can take time out of my day to write it. This way the world has more interesting content and more to look at than just scary click-bait news pieces. You’re doing us all a real favor by watching my brain unfold, collapse, and put itself back together all in the span of a day.
Surprisingly enough, I have only covered 5% or less of my experiences and thoughts of today. I wonder what it would be like if I was dedicating my time to reading and writing.
For the sake of not letting things slip by, for I will one day read these pieces to see my evolution, I would like to note that today is an important day.
Today I began to realize that I am a spiritual person by nature and that I would like to make my intentions to myself clear, that I am working towards spiritual purification and realization. With the intent and manifesto of what it is I aim for, my daily discipline of running, writing, learning, and keeping track of my body and mind’s well being will be much easier to keep up with.
I am ready to dedicate my life to a life of devotion, love, and service. I need to make it very clear to myself that this is what I’m doing, and that I’m not actually as confused or distracted as I let myself think so at times. There is nothing I cannot focus on and achieve.
To be continued…
Also published on Medium.