On Wednesday I went to yoga, and the woman I had met there who I’ve been referring to as “C-lady” did the legwork of setting up a date for us. You may remember I wanted to ask for her number weeks prior and was too shy, but that worked itself out since she decided to give it to me while I asked for the number of someone else I had just met.

C-lady had a job interview on Wednesday which she aced. The way she mentioned the taste of veggie sushi having come to her randomly, via a text, which prompted me to say I was curious what that tasted like, which prompted her to say that there is a sushi place nearby the yoga place, was so smooth. I’ve never seen such a smooth way of asking someone out before. She practically asked herself out. I practically just got a mouth-watering throughout it all.

When the yoga class was done I asked the instructor if there is a pose like the 8-figure pose of the side crane which I can practice, that will work out my core. He shared sun salutations with me, which are really neat and I ought to complete every day.

I haven’t eaten fish in over a month and a half, maybe two, I don’t remember when I stopped. So when C-lady and I got to the restaurant and sat and saw the menu, I was a bit worried. From the way I looked at the options, it seemed like you could get a meal with 5 sushi options and 1 veggie roll. I didn’t want to ask her if she was vegetarian or pescatarian. I was ready to eat a little bit of fish that night, not because I didn’t want to turn it down, but because I wanted to see if I still liked it. I did this with meat one time and the answer was no, I did not still like meat and my vegetarianism was not in my head.

C-lady shared interesting ideas with me, and I with her. There were many coincidences that I encountered while speaking with her, way too many for me to list and describe here.

I ate at around 9:30 PM with her, I would not eat again for 22 hours, since I was inspired to fast like I had last Saturday for 24 hours. After dropping off C-lady I was in a bind to get back home, which was an hour drive away, yet I did not have data. Just before yoga I wondered if I should keep data off even when it renews, just so that I stop more to get Wi-Fi and as a result meet more interesting people.

I stopped at a Checkers to see if they knew the password. They didn’t. The cashier had called another girl over to ask her if she knew the password, and I don’t remember if I complimented the girl before or after asking for a water, but they gave it to me for free. I told her that I saw her while I was walking up to the front and she’s very beautiful. The cashier who handed me the water said she didn’t like the shoes she had on, which I complimented her for having, and said that they were a gift.

On my way out I thought about the fact that this was the second time I’ve been given a bottle of water for free. They turned down taking my card for payment, just like a store did when I was in Washington. Back then, in Washington, I was inspired to buy a hot cocoa after they gave me the water for free. I looked them up just now, and it looks like they are closed permanently. What a bummer!

While I was getting in my car, I noticed that the cashier and the girl who had told the cashier to give me a bottle of water went up to hug someone. I asked if they were alright. They said yes. I could tell that the person being hugged was sad and had been crying, even though it was dark, I could feel it.

You see, C-lady and I had been talking about my friend earlier who is androgynous. This person who was sad seemed to be trans. I made the mistake of asking the girls if “she” was alright at first, or rather, made the mistake of asking the sad person later on if they identified as “she.” They told me that they identified as whatever.

Hmm… So it seems that whatever was upset because a customer had said something mean to them. As far as I could tell, whatever was a person born in a male body, that had on makeup and long hair, maybe decorated or stylish nails too if I remember correctly. I gave whatever some essential oil called “Chill Pill” to put on the back of their hands, they liked it, and so did the girls. Then I played a song for them on my Native American flute, and then on my long shoulder flute which is inspired by Kill Bill. I was a bit energetic in warding off the sadness from whatever by being an entertainer, a jester if you will, that I accidentally lost grip on my shoulder flute while I was using it as a staff to show whatever the double-edged use of this instrument in kicking whoever’s ass that decides to be a jerk to you, and the long flute flew in the air and landed on the ground. I was surprised it hadn’t broken.

Then I put the long flute in my trunk and shut the trunk down. The flute was not all the way in, and unfortunately, a part of it broke which makes my last note sound the same as the third note. This is a bit unfortunate since there’s only four notes on the flute in total. I also do not have a surplus of money to buy another one at this moment in time. I must take better care of my Native American flute because that is not one to be reckoned with or broken.

I thought it was funny how I felt a pang of sadness at the breaking of my shoulder flute, no matter how short it was. It’s made out of bamboo. I am using it between its life as a plant and its life as a flute, and eventually, its decomposition. Eventually the flute would go back into the earth and make soil. Now it is just closed to soil than ever before. Why should that sadden me? I wondered too about how the unkind words said to whatever had flowed into me, and distracted me from taking better care of the flute since I was more interested in being a good entertainer for whatever so that they may forget about these unkind words.

Whatever and the girls had to work. Whatever asked me to come back again. I said I would try next Wednesday, or maybe I said I would come. I forget which.

I eventually got home, but not without getting lost multiple times. After Checkers I found myself on the street that leads to a club I’ve been to many times. I realized I had walked up to this Checkers before, when I was lost after a show at this specific club. Then I found myself at a McDonalds, where I got some Wi-Fi and directions. Then I took the wrong exit, so I got lost, and found myself in front of the restaurant where my ex used to work before I got them hired at the company I used to work at.

Inside the restaurant I saw the man who gave my ex alcohol, when she was 19 years old. I had just mentioned this man to a friend about two weeks or so prior. I hadn’t seen him in 8 months or so. I hadn’t seen my ex in that same amount of time. I parked on the street in front of the restaurant just to reminisce for a bit. How funny that I got lost so many times, ending up at Checkers that I’ve been to before once, ending up on the street to a club I’ve been to many times, and ending up at the restaurant that I used to drive to pick up my ex?

I knew that someone with my spiritual goals would give good energy at all times. Not the kind that the man gave to whatever, that saddened them and broke my flute. Inside the restaurant I could see this man. I reversed a bit until he saw my car and me. I look much different than when he last saw me, and he didn’t recognize me as I made an arrangement of profane signs and gestures at him. He looked at me and pointed to himself and shook his head, “me? No, that’s not me.” I made the gestures again and nodded, yes, that’s you. I drove off with a lot of energy. I knew it was a stupid thing to do.

The first thing I wondered was “gosh, will I write about this dumb thing I just did?” Yes. I am writing about it not because I am embarrassed or afraid someone will judge my character for such silly behavior. As far as I’m concerned, my data ran out for a reason. One was to meet whatever, who had been made sad by an ignorant person and their ignorant comments, and one was to get lost and remember the past, while also having the opportunity to reflect the frustration I had been given by the man who gave my ex alcohol on the premise that it would help her sell the beers better if she knew what they tasted like.

I felt like the innocent people that night, in DC, got the very best of my compassion, and the scum got the very best of my scum. That’s the way it should be. I strive to be nothing but a mirror. The alcohol giving caused me so much more strife than my profane gestures did and unfortunately there’s no way to really set the stones equally.

Thursday, Day 98

My friend told me their brother wanted to get me a ticket to a show in DC. I said I would go, then I ate, 22 hours into my fast. If I waited an extra 2 hours I would have had to eat while on the way to DC.

I made my way to my friend’s house. Their brother and I drove to his house to pick up some shoes that light up. He had just gotten a new Mustang. I saw a Mustang logo illuminate the ground as I stepped into his car. Later, when we came back from his house, I was outside my car playing my flute. He said “hey look, come over here,” and that made me stop playing my flute. I walked over and he said “the Mustang logo is on the floor.”

I asked “ah, is this the first time you’ve seen it?” He said “no, it’s not the first time I’ve seen it. It’s just something I show to everyone when they see my new car.”

I was mildly annoyed that I had stopped playing my flute to see something I had already seen. However, I was grateful to hear about this Mustang throughout the rest of the night. He legitimately didn’t have money to get gas, the car had 30 miles left in the tank, he was a bit annoyed he got the car and now he couldn’t buy new clothes, and he got the car because he chose “girls over money,” i.e. the car over money.

Just now I was reading an interview with Bhagavan Das, in which he said:

I’ve gotten very productive since I stopped partying and drinking. Being in that intoxication is not serving me, and I don’t think it serves anyone. I don’t see any point to it. It’s time to sober up on all levels, and get out of the addiction to sensation; the hedonistic model is not a workable model. In a way, that’s what America is — America is all about pleasure. Younger women, faster horses, stronger whiskey. Gotta get the Ferrari. Gotta get the super-duper-high-powered truck with the biggest V8 motor that was ever made.

[The Cult of] Bhagavan Das

It’s funny I was going to mention a similar quote from the book Be Here Now, to the owner of this Mustang on Thursday, in which its stated that the Westerner is shoveling in all the pleasures he can and still it’s not enough. I wanted to mention this quote to The Owner of This Mustang when he and his relative, who happens to be my friend, stated something about instant gratification and something about how it’s never quite that fulfilling or lasting.

The Owner of This Mustang squealed on a few occasions when he saw cars that were more extravagant or expensive than his own car, and stared and them and spoke about them greatly.

My own friend almost read my mind throughout all of this. When The Owner of This Mustang went outside for a moment, my friend said to me that they are looking forward to hiking with me on Saturday because this music show like all other raves are just instant gratification but making it to the peak of a mountain is long-lasting.

I enjoyed this comment, simply because it was in tune with my thoughts. Not to say that I was being judgemental of instant gratification. I was in this car, on a trip to the club, for the same reason everybody else was: to have a good time and forget the night away.

Boy, did I forget it away. I had a good time. I danced and danced, met an interesting woman named Carin or Karin, who I spoke to about Maine and Be Here Now, and who had read the book, and also knew of Henry David Thoreau, which we both drunkedly made fun of (I was drunk as far as I know, and my making fun of him was illusory illusionist and reflective acting). I also danced with some girl for at least half an hour but the sad thing is I don’t remember seeing her face for more than .1 seconds, I don’t remember getting her name or speaking with her, or how I went from dancing with her to being outside the club once the music ended.

I met some guy from my old job who gave me a beer and told me he was too drunk. Some guy at a bar gave me a sip of his drink as well. Between the rum I had prior to going into the show, and the vodka inside, and the beer, I was completely and utterly piss drunk.

All I had eaten was a small amount of rice to end my 22 hour fast, and here I was, pouring alcohol into a stomach that hadn’t had any alcohol in over a month, and over two months before that. I’m not a drinker. On this night, I was.

On the drive back a person who was a stranger to me drove back the car of my friend’s friend. We were at a gas station when the driver and a friend of a friend was filling up gas, when a cop decided to literally stick his nose into the driver’s side of the car and sniff around. I noticed this when I came up to the driver and the friend of a friend, but they didn’t. I got way too spooked out, since I didn’t know if anyone was breaking any laws that I was with, I didn’t know if the driver had drank anything, and since I didn’t want to interact with seemingly aggressive cop behavior of leaning into a car, with their hand on the roof of the car, while no one was around to see it or give permission for them to touch the car and lean inside.

I told my friends to hang out in the gas station and just pretend to buy stuff for like 4 hours or however long it takes for the cops to leave. They weren’t interested in that. I told them I would just stay there. My intuition said not to get back into the car. A day later I find out that the cop told the driver not to drive, that he was too intoxicated to drive, and forced someone else to (which was actually just as intoxicated or maybe more intoxicated than the driver the cop told not t drive again). At that time, I had no idea this was happening.

I was inside the gas station being extremely political with the cashiers, asking them if certain chocolate bars were vegan, and getting the response that if anything has milk in it, it’s not vegan. Then I got some “Lifesavers” candy, some gum, three black and milds, and a lighter. I asked them if I can sit down and smoke outside. They said yes. I asked them for confirmation that it’s legal. They said as long as it’s not next to the pumps.

I just wanted to make sure these people were letting me on their property and that this wouldn’t turn into some drunk loitering guy scene.

Outside there was a second cop car behind the first cop car. A friend of a friend came in to ask me if I was coming. I said no. They said are you sure? You don’t have your phone. You’ll be alright? I said yes, and he was on his way.

It turns out my friends came back 15 minutes later and parked in front of a store, on the opposite side of the gas station. I was gone. I didn’t have my jacket or my vest, which was inside the friends’ car. I didn’t have my phone. I didn’t know where I was.

I made my way down the street to a McDonalds and bought two egg muffins and a coffee. I drank the coffee and made my way to convenience store, there I bought a hat and some gloves.

I walked for 9-12 miles, from 3: 45 AM to 8: 30 AM on the side of a highway. I smoked a black and mild, and then I lit another hours later. In the middle of this black and mild I threw it on the ground and stomped it out with my foot. I said enough of this! You can’t smoke every time you do something stupid! You’re not a smoker I yelled! Then I crumbled the other black and mild in my pocket.

Before I did this, cars would honk at me from time to time, even though I was all the way on the right side of the emergency lane, literally 12 inches away from the edge or barrier or whatever I was walking by. Every time they honked I would yell at the car as it drove away, to sort of unleash my frustration, with myself if anything, for the position I was in. After crumbling my black and milds, about half a mile later, which is about 10 minutes later, I saw a cigar package on the ground. I picked it up, and it said guaranteed fresh.

There was a cigar inside. A Palmer leaf cigar. It was longer than the black and milds. No filter. It looked better than what I had destroyed in my pocket. I figured I wasn’t a smoker but this was a sign that I should smoke right now. I lit up that cigar, and the next time a car honked at me, the cigar was in my mouth. It’s impossible to yell when a cigar is in your mouth, without it falling, so I figured that the sign here was chill out and have a smoke buddy.

I also found a motorcycle glove that said something along the lines of “Safety first, nobody gets hurt” which I put on over my regular glove. I had asked about buying a pre-paid phone at the last store I was at, but they said they need the manager for that, and the manager comes in at 6 AM. If I was thinking I should have bought the phone, gotten a taxi to a nearby cafe, and just chilled out there. No, instead, I decided to walk 9-12 miles.

Then a cop pulled up behind me, as I was half a mile away from taking an exit that would take me to a train station. He was nice and drove me to a gas station where I made a phone call to my family, so that they wouldn’t worry about me not being home, and then I walked to a train station. There were no trains to where I needed to go. I gave up and took a taxi that cost an arm and a leg, to get me home.

The taxi driver’s wife had accepted the trip without looking at where my destination was. His pre-school son would be late to school, or not go at all, as a result. I told him we can go to his kid and pick him up, and drop him off, and that I would stay in the front. The taxi driver was happy but then he took the wrong exit after getting off the highway, which put him back on towards my house. He said “God damn it!” then apologized.

I got home but had no keys to get in. I slept on the concrete in front of the front door for 2 hours, from 10 AM to 12 AM. Then I had to use the bathroom so I walked to a gas station, got some water, and pooped there. Then I went home to nap again but I had to use the bathroom, so I walked back to the gas station. The toilet was clogged. I had clogged it, or rather, the toilet was easy to clog because it had a bad flushing mechanism. I unclogged it and pooped again. But the toilet got clogged again. Then I unclogged it, and disinfected the toilet seat, which was made a mess by the second unclogging since I hadn’t raised the seat again out of a fear or germs.

Then I walked home and went into the back yard. There I meditated. The sun was in my face. I saw energy patterns with my eyes closed, and peaceful beings. There was a lot of orange and red energy, in a lot of vortexes and a lot of “Lateralus” patterns. I just listened to the song I linked to, and it sings about red and yellow. That’s interesting. Here’s some images to sort of refer to as an analogy of what I saw:

Then I went to sleep on the wood steps that lead into the back of my house. I woke up with a lot of sweat on the wood. My shirt was off. I had been freezing in the morning, walking the whole time. Now here I was in front of the sun, sweating pools and pools. I went from my side to my back and slept and slept some more.

Eventually I got in the house and ate at 4 PM or so. I had fasted again, for 12 hours. My left leg was useless. I couldn’t tell if I had hurt it while lifting the Owner of the Mustang onto my shoulders the night before, or walking so much. I thought I had a LCL sprain or tear.

Friday, Day 99

My friend drove my car to me in the evening. They brought gluten-free vegan food. We ate a pizza we cooked, and a peanut butter something, and a strawberry cheesecake. It was all really good.

I went to bed at around 3 AM on Saturday.

Saturday, Day 100

I woke up at 12:41 PM, about 10 seconds before my friend would text me asking me where I am (sleeping in another room). I couldn’t find my keys. Then when I found them I cleaned my car and lost them again. I looked for them for a good 20 minutes. They were inside the key hole, in my car… I had lost them there because I sprayed an odor-killer after cleaning my car, and the odor-killer scares me because of the chemicals, so I ran away while forgetting the key was still in the key hole…

We went to a mountain and hiked it. We didn’t reach the peak, but we got further than last time. We got to a scenic spot. Then we went down.

Afterwards we went to an Asian restaurant. I ordered a Vegan Lotus Burger and something else. I’m kind of blanking on the details. I was doing my best to fast until the next day but I just went ahead and ate the burger that I took with me, later in the night, at around midnight.

My friend and I went to bed at midnight. Then we woke up on Sunday at around 10 AM or so.

Sunday, Day 101

We were watching T.V. and it was hilarious because my friend had this sad feeling about me not knowing God or something. They were talking about how they used to listen to Alan Watts and identify with esoteric big thoughts or something, but until they felt the love of God they didn’t truly understand things, or something like that. I was a bit confused. I said “you may not know who I am, I was at church last Sunday, I love God.” I told them I’ve seen a lot of religious people get sad that I’m not saved or whatever and usually I let them go through that “trip” of being sad, but I didn’t want to let this friend be sad, since they were a bit tearful about me “not knowing Jesus.”

The reason I don’t go through this each and every time is because usually what the Jesus worshiper or acceptor or lover will do is ask you if you’ve accepted Jesus, then they’ll ask you either to accept him or when you accepted him, and the details of your acceptance of Jesus. I don’t go through giving them the details of yes, I’ve accepted Jesus, because almost always it turns into a “yelling” competition of just how hard you’ve accepted him. “Have you accepted that he does so and so and loves you?” “Yes” “Have you accepted so and so?” “Yes”

I’ve actually accepted Jesus into my body about half a dozen times this year. Both when asked to and when not. I keep accepting Jesus into my body.

That cut I got on my right hand while parkouring, that led me to speaking to a friend who worships Jesus, who asked me when I’m coming to church, which got me to church last Sunday, it was all actually God’s way of waking me up. Because after I went to church and spoke to another friend, who I found out has the same daily routine as me, they texted me the next morning at 4:44 AM on Monday, saying good luck with your morning routine. Well guess what? That was the first message I saw that day, at 5: 25 AM, when I woke up and would have gone to bed otherwise. On Monday and on the Tuesday after that, I woke up early.

I told my friend about this story, and showed them the cut in my right hand. I told them how God cut my hand so that I would wake up. As I looked for my writings of these things, and hit “CTRL + F” to find the word “God” to show them how I felt God in my previous days, I felt kind of sad thinking God is not in the morsels of the three characters God that I search for within me, for the writings of me are a part of me, and God is not a part of the writings of me which are a part of me, my writings are a part of me which is a part of God.

Anyways, I was grateful to be able to lament over these ideas.

After sharing these things with my friend, it didn’t seem like they were convinced until I would say that words that I have accepted Jesus. They said something along the lines of, so wait, you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, and you’ve accepted that he died for our sins and that he is eternal and that he loves you and that through faith in him you are eternal too and that,… and that,… and also that,… and also this,… and also that,…?

I said um, erm, yes, I um, I have…

And with that, the sadness of my friend feeling like they were amongst a non-believer faded. On my laptop I played this Native American song which I like, in which they switch between their Native tongue and saying Jesus at times and singing about Jesus. With that playing in the background I played this video. My friend went to texting their brother or friends or something, they were expressing their love for each other, and I don’t think my friend saw the video or heard the music all that well, but that isn’t all that important, for they held love within their heart.

I think my friend got me sick this weekend though. Maybe the last weekend as well. After I dropped them off I stopped to get some Wi-Fi and I realized I was really sick. I drove down the wrong direction of the highway for a long time, and I ended up across the street from the place I used to work at, the same place I got my ex a job at, at a McDonalds where I got some more Wi-Fi. I puked when I parked at that McDonalds.

Then I went home and passed out in a fever under the blankets, while feeling cold…

I ate about an hour after waking up. My fast went on for 21 hours this time. After eating my sickness really ebbed away. Sure, a cold press on my head, a Tylenol, and water really helped. It was the food that did the finishing trick.

Monday, Day 102

I woke up late today because I was sick. I wanted to wake up at 5: 30 AM and woke up at around 10 AM. My throat was hurting just like yesterday and I had a terrible headache. I fixed a bug with a site, and was happy because the bug I fixed had not been addressed for over a year by the developer of the platform I was working wth, even though the bug had been brought up by over 30 people or so in the past year.

After that I worked a bit on another site and tried to focus on more work but just couldn’t. I filled a prescription in the afternoon for a medicine I had prescribed to me last week, but did not take, since I ended up feeling better.

Parts I Missed

Throughout last Tuesday and Wednesday I read Be Here Now, by Ram Dass, which was given to me by a friend. I really like this book. What stands out to me so much is that on the piece of paper I wrote for myself to inspire myself to get back into my daily routines, I wrote “Guru time” there. This is what I ended up calling the daily “CEO session” I wanted to have for myself every day.

Guru time means that for a period, every day, I will think, breath, and live as my guru, guiding my current self. I don’t remember exactly when I had this CEO session idea, or when it converted into “guru time.” I do know it came before the book Be Here Now fell into my hands. And guess what? In this book, it is stated that you are your own Guru:




-The Source

There’s a section titled “Cookbook for a Sacred Life (A Manual for Conscious Being).” This stands out to me, because it makes the work of the right way of living easier for me. I don’t have to spend a year or two, or five, finding out the answer and testing what works best. I have a somewhat good guideline to follow and of course I can tweak it from there. It covers mantras, sleeping, eating, and much more.

My friend, C-lady, was able to pick up my feverish energy when I texted her. I’m not quite sure how, and neither is she, because she consistently is in union with the feelings of others. The Guru in Be Here Now has that same ability to tune in with others. I am inspired by this deep connection. I seek to embody this energy which takes me to the places I need to be, and gives me the feelings I need to understand others and have the intuition needed for the situation at hand.

The interview I read about one of the Gurus of Ram Dass, the author of Be Here Now, also inspires me to not get so lost in the mantras, and the big thoughts, but rather, to embody a simple life. I am not interested in leading the type of life Ram Dass did, in which he is a guru and realized and a great singer and rich with wisdom and with worldly things, yet somehow falls on drinking and lust and the same stimulus traps he understands so perfectly well to be so pointless. Following a cookbook for a sacred life, no matter how coincidental it is that I am given such a cookbook at a time where I have tasked myself with being my own Guru, is not going to help me be free of the “prison of the mind” that Be Here Now refers to.

What I learned from my friend who had tears over thinking I wasn’t a “believer,” is that I cannot assume others do not know or believe what I do. Just because I may one day feel enlightened or wise or intelligent, does not mean that those around me experiencing lust or greed or lethargy are not as realized or enlightened or wise or intelligent as I am. I cannot get into that “trip” of feeling separated from others. It’s as pointless for me to think someone else is not on the path as it is for someone else to think I am not on the path.

I am clearly on the path, the path to the source.

To be continued…

Also published on Medium.