On Saturday, October 28th, I woke up and I got some work done on my computer, I don’t remember exactly what.
On this day, my friend was going to come over at around 4:30 PM or so. They had a gift to share with me, and I had a gift to share with them. We’ll call them One for now.
Upon One’s arrival, I was extremely happy. I may have greeted them with “how are you my Dear…” or something to that effect. I don’t quite remember. It was something like “it’s so nice to see you my lovely…” I don’t know actually to be honest with you, I don’t remember anymore.
You see, I am writing notes I spoke on the 30th of October. Today it is November 2nd. Memory is a wonky thing, especially when so many details matter.
This is why I am grateful for this ritual of writing. I will bring it back to a daily occurrence. I was under the impression that it was a “waste of time,” because the fruits of writing daily aren’t that clear, or at least, weren’t that clear. Now they are more apparent. My thinking stream is more connected day to day, when I clearly remember what came yesterday and what is happening today, and what will happen tomorrow.
It was an interesting greeting. I said hello to them, and they came on inside and I asked them if they wanted some tea. I had gifted them some Ommate.com tea earlier, so I figured I could show them how to make it; and, well, the water was already boiling when they came in.
Then pretty much, I think we just sat and talked for a bit on the first floor and then eventually the water was hot enough so I put it over the tea mix, and then I covered it all and let it sit there. Afterwards we went upstairs to my room. I had a Monq essential oil vape pen someone let me borrow, and I shared it with my friend.
There wasn’t a lot left, yet we got interesting relaxing results. After trying the Monq pen, we went went back downstairs. We made the tea with some honey and lemons and started drinking it. My friend really liked it, or appeared to.
Then after that, we went downstairs. Or rather, I think we were back in my room and I gave them a Ninja clock I’ve had for a while. It looks like a Gladiator standing on a brick, and the whole thing is silver and there’s a clock in that brick. My friend likes Gladiators and even though it’s a Ninja, it looks like a Gladiator to me. I gave them this, and after that my friend looked around at my artwork.
They saw the rattles I have, which my friend made using painted raw hide and tree sap. I think I overlooked sharing with them that these rattles were made using rawhide. Basically, maybe it’s for the best that I didn’t tell them (they are vegan and I just became vegan a week ago as well). The friend who made the rattles is vegetarian as long as they can be, weeks at a time sometimes, because they seem to have an iron deficiency when they don’t eat meat.
So the rawhide rattles are not necessarily a causing factor of animal slaughter. My friend got the rawhide and recycled it, otherwise the skin would have been thrown away from the slaughterhouse that was just creating meat. Anyways, it’s probably for the best as I’ve said.
What came next, in what I was showing my friend, was possibly some of my artwork. After the fact I think about how I wish I showed them some of it was glow-in the dark, or rather, florescent when pointing a blacklight at a specific piece. Now that I think about it, it may not necessarily matter. This same friend came to my house during February or March of this year, when I lived somewhere else, and I had glow in the dark paintings all over the walls of my room and there was a blacklight which made it even more intense. So if they saw that, I don’t think seeing a little canvas with a similar effect would have been anymore interesting.
Then I rolled a “lavender joint,” which is lavender tea wrapped in rolling paper (which is made out of hemp and organic). We went outside on the steps to my backyard and we smoked it, which was cool to me. It was really fun actually. I had a lot of fun with my friend and I really like them, and I hope to see them again. I don’t know when, but they’re so cute and nice, and I’m glad that they came to see me.
So, after that, I offered for us to watch a movie called Ashes to Snow. I had seen half of it a few days prior or something, and I had never finished it. It was such a great movie. I was also surprised during the movie at how my friend could sit in such yoga-type moves and stretches, with ease. They are so talented and beautiful, in simply every day life.
My friend showed me their scar, I think I had seen it before, but I saw it again. It was their scar from a car accident. They had been sleeping in the backseat of their own car, or trying to rest, and their friend was driving their car when they lost control of it. My friend who was in the backseat had no seatbelt on. During the accident, they used their arm to brace their impact against a seat or something of that nature, and it ended up breaking their collarbone.
They thought that it would impact their appearance, if wearing a dress or something of that nature, since collarbones are very feminine or [something of that nature] (their words). I shared what someone said to me one time: girls often see the imperfections, and guys see what’s good. In this case, I knew that every other guy would see my friend and not their collarbone-wide scar. I also knew there was no way for me to really convey that feeling, aside from sharing what someone had once told me about what girls and guys see.
This was the third time I connected well with this friend in the past two weeks or so. The experience before that was seeing them at a hookah lounge, and before that, seeing them after church.
Actually, where I first saw them, since months ago in the summer, was at church when they were up on the stage singing. I don’t know what it’s about this way of seeing them that had an impact on me. Maybe it’s my honor of the feminine, and my love of singing, and seeing a combination of these things up on stage was touching to me.
This is the same friend I found out after church that we have a similar daily routine of waking early, meditating, and/or yoga, and so forth. I really like this friend and look forward to seeing them again sometime. They push me further and further into my best and are inspirational beyond words.
After the movie was over, we fed my brother’s guinea pigs and then went upstairs to my room. My friend and I spoke for a while. I shared two sketchbooks with them, they shared a clay piece that they had a photo of, and an idea of a new clay piece they were working on. I remember how the new one would look yet I don’t know how to describe it. A fairy, or a small being, a gnome sort of thing, with these cute ears. I don’t know if I saw it in Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or Narnia. Maybe Harry Potter or Narnia.
The visual conception of this being is imprinted in my mind, since my friend showed me a photo, yet it seems that words, names, or verbal descriptions is not a strong suite when it comes to my memories. Which is interesting considering that I am attempting to capture my memories using words right now; and is also precisely why it’s better to download my experiences the day they happen rather than a while later.
While we were looking at my art I think we spoke about their scar or something about it. I remembered how I had pain in my ankle for the longest time, and how my friend, who created ommate’, sent me an essential oil spray which fought the pain. This was one of my most prized possessions. I went to my bathroom and got it for my friend, and gave it to them. They seemed hesitant to take it, since I told them how valuable it was to me. They also knew how much I value medicines like this, essential oils, and about my thoughts of wanting to bless them and so forth. I urged them to take the oil because I will be able to make some, and deep in my mind I was happy it was going to my friend because now I would definitely need some of my own and I could make it for myself as I have been intending on working with such things and gaining a first-hand experience in it.
My friend was really grateful. They said it felt warm as they put it on, and I was happy to hear this. This essential oil has worked magic on my ankles when I was running a lot. I forget which ankle pained me greatly, but when I put this oil on it, it was gone. Then the other ankle, for the very first time in my life, felt discomforted. I realized this was because the one which had the most pain and got the essential oil treatment went to a 0 pain, and now I was finally able to perceive the pain in the one which had seemingly “never hurt.”
When I realized that this oil was so powerful that it could take the pain away of the main aggregator in the body, and that it did it so well that it disappeared and made the pain ebbing of other areas noticeable, I realized that this essential oil was really good at healing.
I am more than happy than my friend has this oil. They told me that they are looking at having their collarbone skin opened up again so that the metal bolts and bar or what-not can be removed, in order to give them flexibility. Such a process sounds like a painful and worrisome endeavor. I hope that with the blessings of the oil and my sacrifice of giving away the very medicine that inspired me to go down the path of making holistic medicine, that it will work better than on anyone else in the world and have an intended effect of infinite healing for my dear friend.
I had to go visit a friend in Richmond, for a birthday party and a night out in town with their group of friends. I was due there at around 9 PM, yet I ended up making it there at 10: 20 PM since I stayed home chatting with my friend and exchanging gifts and ideas with them.
I had a really good time. I would say I missed them, if I still experienced the pangs of missing someone due to not knowing that all moments and all realities are occurring right here right now, and that the feeling that I am not with them right now, experiencing the same happiness of their presence, is not happening right now, is simply an illusion.
My friend and I bid each other farewell. My friend’s gift for me was like a concentrated form of coffee. Almost like a expresso shot times two. They gave it to me in a container they’d put it in earlier, after making it for me. I was really happy and excited to try it. Especially since I am a tea lover myself. Would you guess what? My last time ends in tea. That’s right! Ristea!
Who would have thought?
My friend drove home. They were going to Mod’s pizza to get some vegan pizza. I had a long drive ahead of me, of around 2 hours. I got my things ready, and headed to Richmond
The night in Richmond was interesting. When I got to my friend’s house there, who I will refer to as Lovely, their friends complimented me on my long hair. I forget if it was compliments or observations. I will now remember it as compliments. I think Lovely liked my long hair and her friends were surprised that it was the length it was. Then I told them about how my friend earlier, before I left, helped me pick out a sweat, and a shirt, and decide on whether to gel my hair or not. I missed that friend in my heart as I spoke about them. I wasn’t as lucid as I am sitting here, writing, knowing that I do not miss them because they are with me in my heart.
My night in Richmond was about to get really interesting, to say the least. My friend had some hookah which I tried and it had an interesting effect on me. On top of the hookah mixture, there was some form of concentrated tobacco. I forget what it’s called. Maybe Dokha . I had also fasted for 24 hours on Saturday, other than eating a bit earlier at around 4 PM. So when I got to Richmond and smoked this hookah, I had not eaten for around 7 hours again, and the last time I did was some small snack that probably had no real effect on my fast.
I also drank a bit. The mixture of all these things, combined with exhaustion, really took me out.
While at Lovely’s house, another friend named Brightly came by to see me. I was going to move away, so they wanted to drop by Lovely’s house where I was. Brightly came with their brother, and their brother’s girlfriend.
I told the girlfriend that my ex shared her name. Then I spoke with Brightly. They wanted to join the party that Lovely, myself, and Lovely’s friends were going to. Lovely started to reach out via texts to her friends to see if that would be possibly. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for some reason. I think there were going to be too many people at the party or something of that nature, already.
During this time a friend of Lovely’s, we’ll call them Lore, shared an interesting story about me from middle school. They wanted to let Brightly know how they met me and how long they’ve known me, since Brightly shared that they’ve known me for a few months through a mutual friend. The interesting story was slightly embarrassing for me. It was about me using a Kindle during Latin class to look at inappropriate content. Then Lovely chimed in and shared how I used this Kindle on our bus to school to share inappropriate content as well.
Well, gosh, that was embarrassing and such a long-time ago memory. It was only embarrassing for about a second though. I figured to joke it off. I don’t have a Kindle anymore. I sold it a long time ago on eBay. Maybe I shouldn’t now that I think about it. A portable reader sounds a lot more valuable than not having one. Anyways, I digress. I joked it all off by saying “if I still looked at inappropriate stuff on my Kindle, would I be able to do this?” then I showed off an 8-figure pose.
I say showed off because it’s an interesting method that makes me better. Let me explain, if you will. A month or two ago when I was at work, I saw a co-worker doing an 8-figure pose, who had never seen one get done before, and was being instructed by another co-worker who had used to teach and practice yoga for a year or two. I had walked over, and since I go to yoga, I was interested. I asked them what they were doing. The coworkers explained it, and then I tried the 8-figure pose, which I couldn’t fail at since everyone was looking at me.
You see, in my mind, at least not consciously, but definitely under the hood and behind the scenes, I can’t fail at what the “cute guy” is being taught by the “cute girl,” and the “interested Octavian comes over and wants to try it too.” You see, in this environment, I am set up to succeed. I don’t want to be the interested guy, who sees some move, then tries it and can’t even get 50% of it done. I had to go in on the whole thing.
Then later on, when I brought this move up with a yoga teacher, to see if they can help me get better at it, the yoga teacher was impressed I could do it, saying that they can’t even do it themselves, and then the person who was watching the yoga teacher, taking notes, and essentially grading them throughout the class, also told me that they can’t do it. The watcher of the yoga class asked me how long I had been practicing yoga for and I told them just a few months and that I was a beginner.
It’s funny because before I began yoga, my friend joked that I may have been in a yogi in my past life. I forget what ability had given them this impression. I think one interesting thing I did one time, which this friend that made the joke saw, is jumped up in the air, touching the top of the frame of a door with my hand, and also touching it with the toes of my feet, and then arching from that and falling onto a mattress beneath the frame I had jumped up to make contact with both my hand and my toes. I think this was one of those things i did that inspired my friend to joke that I had been a yogi in my past-life, amongst other abilities I have, such as good balance and things of that nature.
So here I am, doing this 8-figure pose, and everyone is getting my joke and they’re saying “no, you’re definitely not looking at inappropriate content on your Kindle. There’s no way you’d be able to do that if you were.” And I think my joke about discipline was funny and it pushed me to work on my 8-figure pose, all the while improving my figure, so I was happy with the turn out.
I went to my car to get my bamboo flute. I twirled it and played it a bit, to show Brightly’s brother and brother’s girlfriend these things, as Brightly had asked at some point.
Lovely and the rest of their friends were ready to head to the party, they went inside a car while I was still talking to Brightly. I finished up speaking with Brightly and put the bamboo flute away, went inside to get my shoes, and then said goodbye to Brightly.
I went inside the car with Lovely and apologized for taking a while. They said it was alright and not to worry.
On the way to the party, which was like a halloween party, I asked Lovely if I could hold their hand. They said it would be alright. I was feeling really out of it and light headed from the tobacco and the hookah, the fasting, the exhaustion, and maybe playing the flute had made my head even lighter, especially running around and doing all these 8-figure poses and what-have-yous.
I don’t remember if my friend had to get something and let go of my hand before, or after, I told them something extremely embarrassing and likely uncomfortable for them. I was actually having an epiphany of a mistake I had made in the past, in which they were included as the mistaken, and was happy because I understood how much I have progressed and how purely I love my friend now.
I didn’t rely this the right way though… We got near to where the house party was going on.
Lovely and her two friends, and I, went to the back yard. There we said hello to some people. I think I saw some people there I haven’t seen in anywhere from a few months to a few years.
I was feeling extremely light-headed, like I didn’t have enough oxygen, or water. I began to talk to some girl in some fairy costume who asked me some question about my shirt. I was wearing a shirt of myself wearing a shirt of myself wearing a shirt of myself. As far as I know, I invented this specific sort of design. Not necessarily the idea of wearing oneself, but rather, the idea of wearing an infinite self.
Lovely’s friend, who we will call Shawniessie, who happens to be the same one who mentioned my awkward middle-school kindle-self earlier, was talking to some girl. This girl said I added her on Facebook a few weeks back and she didn’t know who I was. I said oh, I don’t use Facebook that often. It must have been a while back.
They said they didn’t add me back because they didn’t know who I was, or if I was a killer or anything like that, or something along those lines. A weirdo? I don’t remember. I said something along the lines of oh, I’m into yoga, let me show you something, and ask if a “wierdo” or “killer” or whatever she’d said can do this.
Then Shawniessie asked me if I was going to do the same pose I did earlier. I thought I heard a condescendingness in their voice, which I probably did not hear and was simply imagining due to the ill-effects of the tobacco, light-headedness of the fasting, the hookah, and the alcohol I had. I responded in a way that was not mocking them, yet it was an attempt at impersonating the condescendingness I had heard in a way which was saying “this is who I am, this is you are and what you sound like, I’m sorry you’re a disbeliever, I am me, the infinite self, and I am ready right here right now to levitate.”
I didn’t say any of that directly of course, but you could hear it in my response which was along the lines of “yeah, yeah that’s exactly what I am going to do right now Shawniessie thanks.”
I realy don’t know what was up with me. I did the 8-figure pose and then the girl I was talking to, who was Shawniessie’s friend said that “oh, I’ll add you back. You’re definitely not a weirdo like I thought you were.” I didn’t know if that sounded sincere. It honestly sounded like what my impersonation to Shawniessie had sounded like. I didn’t mind that it sounded the same, because my energy and response had not been ill, it had been a joke, like a I’m-in-the-Matrix-and-nothing-is-real-so-let-me-laugh-alittle kind of embodiment of emotion.
I felt weird. I walked over to some rowing machine, before or after the above happened, I can’t remember which. I began to row. There was some girl who was a fairy or something, who told me she was there with her friends, summer, spring, autumn, and she was winter or something. I have zero clue what was going on. Winter was telling me where summer and autumn were, and then she joked that spring was inside with some guy. I made some joke about the birds and the bees and spring and it was really hilarious but the girl missed it the first time around, so by the time she kind of got a hint that I was making a joke, I was no longer in a laughing mood. I mean, I’m always in a laughing mood, but I just couldn’t laugh twice especially since I was holding myself responsible for having not been clear enough so that we would have been able to both laugh at the first go with the joke.
I sat on the rowing machine and began to row. I was feeling extremely out of it and ill, like I was going to puke out of the back of my spine and I would start to balance on my nose while breathing using my eyes. I kept rowing and even though the feelings became more extreme and I realized I didn’t have enough water in the moment yet I was too distracted to get any, the winter girl was telling me about something and I was trying to keep up the responses at a decent rate. She could tell I was doing a bad job so she kind of walked away inch by inch. I think for a moment I got her attention again but then I lost my own desire to be attentive to our conversation so I kind of let the inching apart begin again, and did my own inching, and I made it to the side of some fence where there was some broken chair.
I sat in the broken chair and my butt went through it. Then some guy next to me drinking a beer shakes my hand and asked me how my night was going. I told him. He said he rarely drinks but he was feeling good and this was his third or fourth beer. I couldn’t tell if I was more awake or less awake than him. I was thinking about a lot of things and he was a lot more aware than I was. I seemed really out of it. Then I put my jacket on a chair, I was very warm. I asked Shawniessie if it’s okay to put it there. They said I should keep it on or something. I said it’s okay, I’ll watch it.
I ended up losing that jacket. When I left the party I completely forgot about it.
The girl who I added on Facebook a while ago came over and asked for a lighter or something. I tried to look for one in my jacket but couldn’t find one. Instead, in my pockets, I found some gold hydrosol I drop one to three drops on my tongue at night to lucid dream. I thought it would be a good prop so I began to put a lot of drops on my tongue. This freaked people out. I think I went through 20-30 drops.
Since I was already in an altered state due to the tobacco and fasting, the drops which usually make me lucid dream at night, in this new and unrecommended quantity, really set me awake. The moment I felt then and there was now the lucid dreams I chased at night. I was lucid dreaming.
A friend of Lovely, who is a reporter, liked my shirt. On my back there was a Snapcode of my Snapchat, @storyofoctavian, with my infinite self in the center of the code. He added me on the app using my shirt and I was so surprised that feature still works. This friend of Lovely’s is a reporter as I’ve mentioned and him and I connected because I shared this writing that I complete daily. He didn’t quite understand what my writing was or what purpose it served, and I realized I didn’t quite understand it either. Yet I was about to see it in action, very soon.
A friend of Lovely and my own, who I will call Joy, and her boyfriend, who I will call Bliss, showed up. With Joy and Bliss came their friend, Filly. I was so happy to see them. I asked Bliss if I could give him a third eye kiss, then I kissed his forehead and blessed soul to soul, mind to mind, as I did this. Then Joy asked where her third eye kiss. I kissed her forehead. Then I asked if I could kiss FIlly’s and I did, he had a headband on.
After all of that was over, I brought up this thing I’ve done before with Bliss, when we met some people outside of a rave, when him and I had both been kicked out. Him for underage drinking or something of that nature, myself for smoking inside or something of that nature.
This thing I mention is referred to as a Clementine Circle by myself, I don’t know how it came around the first time or when I first did it or what my idea was. It may have been outside of this rave, I do not know. The two people we met, a guy and a girl, completed the Clementine Circle which is created using the hands of individuals that forms a piece of the pie, and the combination of everyone doing it causing the circle of a whole to form.
The girl friend of the guy that we met and did this with, she started to talk about how our hands were roots or something and how we are connected and a tree or something like that, as I was showing the Clementine Circle to them. I was confused at how she said these things or knew them, because it’s exactly what the Clementine Circle was in that moment, and always is, yet is not something that I had worded up until that point.
So this Clementine Circle, I’ve done it again over half a dozen times, maybe a dozen times. This night in Richmond, it was so powerful. I brought up how we did it before and Joy had never done it before. I don’t think Bliss had either. I asked Filly if he remembered when we did it, he said yes.
I began to go through the process of the Clementine Circle. To be honest with you, I think it was called the Clementine until a friend of mine properly called it a Clementine Circle, which again is what I knew it was but had never worded it before. So all of this became a thing really through the non-verbal collaboration of my mind and people who would witness the experience of the circle, and I’m quite happy with the phenomena.
So here we are, Filly, Bliss, and Joy. Other people are close by, I share what we’re going to do, and they join in. We’ve got like eight people joining in and I’m heavily distracted yet I’m able to properly complete the process of describing our circle and being a part of it as our motions unite.
Then we raise our hands and this powerful energy is felt flowing outward through us and from our circle. I don’t quite understand it. I remember a while back at yoga when I more or less predicted that we were going to bath my friend with energy for their birthday song, and I was amazed with my ability to foresee that on that day. I don’t remember the details because a lot of coincidences like this happen to me every day where it’s not clear what the unlikely chance which occured was anymore, since so many chances like this continue to happen day after day, to the point where even the least likely thing to happen is happening one after another.
So if everything is special, then it’s hard to remember the individual special moments.
I began to write everything before this sentence sometime around last Wednesday. It’s not Monday, November 6th, 2017.
I do not know what my capacity is to continue this story.
Carrying on with the individual special moments I was mentioning. I remember the yoga day better now. My friend helped me refresh my mind. I had joked that we would make a triangle around them and direct energy at them. Then that’s what the yoga group’s leader said we would do, a while later, and described it as an energy bath. I thought of artwork by Alex Grey and the band called Tool, as well as their album Lateralus created by Alex Grey. You might want to check it out.
So this night got crazier and crazier. I will attribute it to the magic circle. Since most of everything since then to now has been special, I’m having a hard time remembering all the special individual moments.
I met a guy later that night, on Saturday, who I remembered. It wasn’t until he was in the bathroom peeing, that I spoke with his ex and asked her where this guy works. It turns out he used to work at Tesla. That’s where I met him one day, when I went to sit inside the Tesla as a way to experience a bit of the future and see what motivation of that nature is like. When the guy came out of the bathroom we spoke for a bit. Because of the hookah and tobacco I’d had earlier, he helped me get some water. I didn’t know where cups were, he said he didn’t live there as he rushed to get me water, and I was grateful. I left that cup of water somewhere on the floor when I was doing the Clementine Circle. I also forgot my jacket at that house.
During that night I saw an old classmate who I showered with love, through kind words of their eyes, their face, and their body. They told me that I should see their sister, that they are better looking, and I gasped saying no! I would never look at your sister! I kept showering them with love. I think earlier that night I had heard that this person had gone to a mental hospital or was about to, likely due to depression or something.
It turns out this person’s partner was good friend with one of my old good friends, who I don’t think is that good, for me at least, anymore, or back then was not, now is no more. This person I showered with love had to go play beer pong, I let them go.
Then some princess in a white costume and covered in blood loved my shirt. Or maybe she loved my shirt before, and then my friend who I showered with love came. I don’t remember. I kissed the princess’s hand, she loved that, and she told her guy and girl friend about it. I wanted another friend of mine, Lovely, to meet this princess, so I went to get her. That friend later told me that the princess was drunk and may have been insincere in her interest in me or whatever, and that it wasn’t too real. That made me dip a little in my excitement when I heard it back then, but now I can see what my friend was saying.
The princess was on the alcohol spectrum and I was on the lucid spectrum. After my friend brought this to my notice, I realized the princess who was bloody was essentially a zombie. There was no costume was the insane thing. No costume at all! This zombie would have been in a costume had she not had blood and a white dress on.
Can you believe it? Life is crazy.
I’m trying to wrap up this long week story but it’s not getting me where I’m hoping it will. I want to knock it out in one hour of writing, I don’t have hours of time to document all of this out and yet I’m not sure if I should forgo the effort of writing because if I do now, I’ll lose and lose more of the memories and it won’t be possible to write about them as much in depth going down the road.
You see, I can compose at about 70 words a minute at times like this. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how fast I was typing right now. I think that the average speed someone can copy already written content with a keyboard is roughly 30-40 words per minute. I don’t know how I can compose this fast. It’s a gift. I ought to write more, and more, and more. It means I can knock out so much more composition than the average person. The question is, how do I make the content heavier than gold?
I do not know. I hope to learn this.
Just now I spoke with someone in another room, and my phone pinged with a message of “are you up?” It seems like life is distracting me from writing about me experiencing my life.
I set the phone aside. I won’t pick it up, no matter how much it vibrates. Sorry friends. The keyboard is closer and leaves me feeling better, most of the time that is. I will be a hermit. A hermit is nice, and juicy, if you eat one that is.
I’ve been failing over the past few days at being vegan. All of these breads, ranging from Na’an to sourdough bread have eggs and milk in them. Once I ate bread that was like pastries, having realized after one bite that it wasn’t vegan I ate the other two. Then later in the day I ate sourdough and realized after a slice or two that it wasn’t vegan. Then just today, on the 6th, I ate Na’an without knowing.
I digress. Let me get back to two Saturday’s ago.
We go back to my friend Lovely’s house, her friend is driving, and another friend is in the front. We stop at some Taco Bell. They all go inside. I’m inside the car, it’s raining outside a bit, and I’m looking out the window. I feel like a child. I try to open the door but it’s too hard. I have no energy left after all the socializing, which may have annoyed some people according to my friend Lovely because I was telling everyone I loved them. An old friend, Lovely’s ex, was there. I spoke with them for a long time, and I met Lovely’s ex’s new partner, and I spoke and spoke and spoke. I don’t remember letting Lovely’s ex say one single thing to me, and if they did, I don’t remember.
I just spoke about yoga and other things I had learned, like how I perform better when people watch me do this one yoga move, and then I spoke about a bunch of other wild things like how I met a friend who had the knowledge of something I had just read about the day before spending time with them. I spoke, and I spoke, and I spoke. I felt like I had experienced so much magic in this world, I wanted Lovely’s ex to know it. A long time ago when I was in middle school I dated Lovely’s ex for a bit, it was innocent kid stuff. These days Lovely’s ex doesn’t identify as a female anymore, but rather, as neither or maybe male. I don’t know the exact identification. Last time I clarified was when they wanted to go by them/they, instead of she. Their new nickname seems gender neutral but for me feels a little bit more masculine than neutral.
Just as I was writing the above paragraph, I was invited outside by my roommates to look at four potted trees on of them got from work. It was nice to look at those trees outside, a bit nicer than trying to wrap my head around this so-far-6620 word blog post.
Anyways, I digress. I spoke to my friend about a lot of things. I probably said to them 25% as much as I’ve said in this post, all in a matter of 10-15 minutes. Maybe it was less. Maybe it was more, I cannot tell.
We went back to Lovely’s house as I was saying, and there, I experienced love. I was so exhausted I fell into my friend’s bed and they took off my socks. I felt like they were so lovely I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t remember any time any one took off my socks, maybe my ex as a joke. Maybe I was taking my ex’s socks off with my feet as a joke. I don’t remember any more.
When lovely took off my socks, and I don’t know how my pants came off they probably told me to take them off and get into their pajamas, and gave me a sweater, and a hat, I fell head over heels over them. Or rather, I realized how much I’ve always liked them.
I thought I had finally made it. My friend would support me and all I had to do was create art, and they would be there to take off my socks when I got too tired and there to be nice and kind when I was beaten down and tired. I used to have a crush on this friend when I was in middle school, and continued to have a crush on them for a long time. It never went away really, I love many people.
I’ve had many experiences, in many places, with many people, and never has my love expressed itself so fully as it did this night for someone like my friend. They put their Macbook in my lap and wrote down a password for their computer, and they handed me a book by Thich Nhat Hanh. I don’t remember the name of it. After some searching around, I found this from his book “Moments of Mindfulness: Daily Inspiration.”
Upon this day, seeing this, and thinking back on the day that Lovely handed me a book by this person, I am inspired to read all of their works. After some more searching, I found the following book to be the correct one that my friend handed to me.
What a lovely book to have handed to you as you are lucid dreaming before falling asleep. Isn’t that wild?
I read this book, my friend went across the street to a friend’s house. I didn’t know this. Later I walked downstairs without a shirt on. The housemates, at least the girlfriend of the boyfriend who’s birthday it was, got a little bit irked by me. She told me to go upstairs I think, and that Lovely wasn’t there. I was confused and asked where they were, if I’m not mistaken. This whole paragraph may be inaccurate, everything may be after a long time between the experience and the writing experience as I am experiencing right now. I don’t know, I wanted to see Lovely. I found out they were across the street so I think without shoes, certainly without shoes, and maybe with the sweater I put on so that the housemate would be less annoyed with me and so that people outside wouldn’t get weirded out, I ran across the street.
My friend came to be and Lovely said lovingly that I can’t come over to the friend’s house and I have to go back. Back in her room, I apologized and said I won’t do it again and that I would stay there and that they didn’t have to worry about me. I was really a-mock.
Between then or some later time, I said I would move over in the bed to make room for them when they came. They told me about this later, because they thought it was cute or funny. When I said I would make room for them, they told me that they wouldn’t sleep in the bed with me. I was confused probably, then they left to go across the street. I stayed in bed and maybe fell asleep, kind-of.
Then I woke up to Lovingly’s and I’s friend coming in with his partner, looking around for things. They were going to crash in this room originally, and now I was sleeping there. I offered to sleep on the couch. They said I was fine there. Then Lovingly came in to get some things, they said we should speak about everything and my feelings. I said yes we should, then they said we should do it the next day when we’re all rested. I agreed.
I knew it meant that I was going to get turned down for all of my feelings or something. I was ready for sleep.
I thought Lovingly’s friends were nice to let me sleep there. They woke me up again later and asked if I can move and sleep on the couch. I said yes, as I had offered before. I went downstairs and Lovingly was there. I was much more awake than before but still a little bit out of it. Lovingly, the guy who was taking the room and his ex, and I, were all downstairs for a bit. Then the guy and his ex went upstairs and Lovingly and I were just there. They said something, I wish I remember what, I smiled and was tired and maybe responded. They stayed with me for a bit, probably feeling the pleasure I got from their presence.
Then they headed up. I don’t remember this, but I called lovingly after Lovingly a few times and they would come down and I would say I missed them, and then eventually I fell asleep.
The next day I woke up in loving pants and a sweater. At some point during the night I had woken up and saw two blankets on the couches. I chose to keep myself covered with Lovingly’s jacket, I felt more comfortable with it covering as much of me as possible from the world around me. Lovingly came down at some point during the night and saw this and thought it was cute.
At some point some fire alarm went off according to people in the house, and that’s when Lovingly ran down to see me covered in her jacket. I was asleep. She was worried I set something on fire.
Meanwhile, my heart and mind was burning with the love that had set it a lit. I woke up in those loving pants and sweater. I went to clean the dishes, I think I made a mess when getting a drink or something during the night, so I cleaned everything up, and even mopped the floor. Then I threw the pants into the washer, which I think I spilled something onto, and borrowed some pants from a roommate in the house who I knew.
When Lovingly woke up we spoke a bit outside as they smoke a cigarette. We spoke about the inappropriate thing I had said regarding them and myself in the car, on the way to the party, and they told me about how the rest of the night went, which they seemed to describe in a funny yet aloof way. I couldn’t tell if I had bothered my friend’s night or not. I do remember at some point during the night they suggested reaching out to one of my other friends, and seeing what they’re doing, which I think was code word for “can you see if you can go hang out with someone else somewhere else?”
I don’t blame them, since I didn’t remember much of the night anyways. Lovingly told me how they had to tell people I was speaking to that if they didn’t like my excitement and love for everyone, that they didn’t have to talk to me, and that I would feel bad as it were if someone that I was being sociable with didn’t appreciate my company, so that really it would be best to just not speak with me because then I would be happy with others being happy and not annoyed.
I thought about what this meant, and who I may have annoyed. I had no idea whatsoever.
We watched T.V. or something. I got the book my friend had and read another page or two. We were all going to go get food, Lovingly, the guy and his girlfriend from the night before, but Lovingly changed their mind. They made some food they had, and offered me some but I was vegan, and said that they had homework to get to. At some point before that they said that we could go thrift shopping at this one store. Maybe I misunderstood them to mean thrift shopping that day, because I was leaving to move states and states away the day after we were speaking, so I didn’t understand how we would go thrift shopping months or years down the line at some random point down the road.
Throughout the day I got feelings of warmth and understanding and compassion for all beings, and then it went away as quickly as the warmth and awakening feelings came.
I headed out with the guy and his girlfriend, and we got food at a place. I realized then and there that I had forgotten a shirt of myself at Lovingly’s house, along with my boxers I had washed in the washer, along with the songs that had been pulled off, along with my pants, and that the sweater I first had was lost at the house of the party. I basically lost an entire outfit, since I had other clothes in a book bag and didn’t get what had come off.
What’s funny is that I think I would have lost less clothes if Lovingly hadn’t tried to get me to be comfortable to going to bed. Yet I was more comfortable losing those clothes or forgetting them, than it would have been for me to fall asleep in them.
I drove home on Sunday, ate some melatonin, like 3 or 4 gummies, 2 are the maximum dose on the bottle, and went to bed.
Last Monday I woke at around 7 AM. I took a shower and packed all of my things into my car and drove out at around 9:30 AM. I went to Virginia Tech. to visit a friend. There I walked into his apartment, as he said I could. I started to wash the dishes there, and as I was taking out the trash, my friend came home.
I really love this guy. In high school we were both buying stocks, something he’d done before and something I was inspired to do because of him. I bought a stock called AMD that went up 60% in about three weeks, his dad bought the stock, he bought the stock, and a friend bought the stock. Today, this stock has more than six-trupled in three or four years after the buy-mood I was in about it. My friend was an athlete and still is, he inspired me in that sense too. I knew a lot about computers, I taught him what I knew. We debated religions and atheism and many other topics. He tried to teach me pre-calc one time, or two times. I don’t think it worked out.
I’ve known him for a long time. When he got home we chatted and played Call of Duty. I hadn’t played in years, but it was nice catching up. I told him about the crazy weekend I had. I learned a bit about his partner and updates I hadn’t heard about since I last saw him. He gave me a book, I don’t have it in front of me to write the title, but it’s bigger than the Bible and its contents is about philosophers from Rome or Greece.
Great friends are those that give you books. I may have said or realized this before in my previous writings. This man is a great friend. He was ready to give me another book but he wasn’t sure I would enjoy the others. I forget what topic one was on, I think the different political systems of various countries throughout the years, or possibly different financial systems. I ought to ask him. He thought the books had been dry but they sounded interesting to me.
I showed him a 8-figure yoga pose I had learned, as well as a side-crane. He impressed me with this sort of thing that looks like you’re standing using your hands and arms, with your feet held an inch above the ground, as you go into a push-up position without your feet touching the ground. I can do this position but in a sweeping quick motion. He can do it much slower because he has the upper arm strength to transfer his weight from going upwards-downwards as his feet go into a push-up position.
This is how it looks:
At one point I had thought that this friend had given up on running, and he was the one person I thought could break a 4 minute mile. He said since he stopped running he’s gotten stronger. I mentioned it may be true, since his body is burning less muscles just on running alone. He said that may indeed be the reason behind it.
I was inspired by how his running end gave way to growth in other areas of his body. What if my journaling end will give me growth in other areas?
Speaking of, I still need to meditate tonight and wrap up my day by jotting everything down and winding down. I am far away from covering last Monday through this Monday which is today. I will attempt to complete it all in half an hour or less.
My friend had to go pick up his partner. I could have stayed and eaten with them or at least met his partner, but I decided to head out. We said our goodbyes. I drove about an hour and stopped at a Mexican place to eat. I had a lot of vegetables, beans, rice, and a desert too. I had eaten so much my stomach was in pain. Before the Mexican place I had fasted for 24 hours aside from olives and crackers I had eaten earlier. I didn’t think I was ready to drive as soon as I got into my car, so I gave it 5 minutes then began the drive.
At some point I was stopped by a cop, and there was five cop cars along the road. I couldn’t open my dashboard to get the insurance with all the boxes, so I pulled over to try and get to it. The cop said it was alright and I was on my way. At some point 6-7 hours of driving, after having left my friend’s apartment, I decided it was time to get some sleep. I had been awake for over 20 hours at that point. I stopped at a Motel and it took a while to get a key. It was the front desk person’s first few nights on the job. They apologized, I didn’t mind. I was just glad I didn’t fall asleep on the front desk before they got the key to work.
Throughout the whole process of getting a room, I wasn’t told the price it would be. I didn’t care. I could’t drive anywhere else. I was ready to pass out.
I slept until 7: 30 AM or so, even though I went to bed at around 2 AM. I had a hard time falling asleep. I got a text from my yoga/meditation group’s leader that there’s a center I can stay at for free in Kansas. It was 5.5 hours away. Driving there meant I would have to drive quite a lot the next day if I wanted to get to my destination the day after Kansas.
I went to the meditation center. It was interesting to say the least. I had an amazing conversation with the monk there. I brought a green drink, cauliflower, mixed vegetables, pears, vegan yogurt, almond milk, and maybe broccoli. I don’t remember. We ate and spoke and spoke. That was after we meditated. The monk played the guitar. I tried to play the flute but we couldn’t get his guitar in the same key and he’d said we don’t have a lot of time, so maybe it’s best to leave the flute for now and just sing along. I sang along.
We went to bed at around 10 PM or so, I had arrived at 5:30 PM. I slept next to a gas heater. I was too spooked in this house to go to the kitchen and get water. I drank water out of the bathroom close to my room. The house was in the middle of plains in Kansas. I mean just plains. It took dirt roads after dirt roads after dirt roads to get to. I was sleeping in a room with a photo of the person who created the organization the monk and this place was a part of. I felt like he was there in the room. I dealt with the presence by not dealing with it. It wasn’t anything to worry about. Just a man, like anyone else, who embodied a place longer than the body.
That day, I had fasted for 24 hours again, minus some nuts that I ate around 1 PM on my drive, and minus some small things I ate after shopping on the way to the monk, at around 4:30 PM.
I woke up at 6: 28 AM. The monk came in at 6: 30 AM as we’d agreed to meditate early, before I would leave. We meditated and ate breakfast. Then I headed out. I was happy to still be alive. The monk wasn’t scary. The location was. I’ve never been in a place with virtually no cell phone signal, with virtually no lights, with virtually no easy roads to follow to civilization, with virtually no contact to the outside world, and with dew and condensation and low hanging clouds that made it hard to even see anything further than 50 feet ahead of you. I happily started driving away.
I proceeded to drive for a really long time. Eventually my car overheated. I was just an hour away from my destination.
On late Wednesday night, or early Thursday morning, I was where I was headed. Finally, I had arrived there safely. On the way, I saw an interesting scene. An older man at a gas station was buying lottery tickets. Two men were waiting behind him. One was waiting before me, and one behind me.
The two men waiting scoffed at each other, really towards the old man, as he took a long time to check tickets with the cashier that he had bought before, and to pocket about $50 worth of tickets he bought then and there. The man who scoffed went on to buy cigarettes. It’s funny to me. They were impatient for a man to gamble away his earnings, yet in reality, he was delaying them buying sticks to stick in their mouth, light up, and risk cancer and other diseases with in the process.
I learned then and there. Do not judge other men, even the ones who judge other men. This is a funny aspect of life. Laugh, for you were once the judger and now you are free, laugh at them and at yourself, so that we may all be free.
The sun was beautiful outside the gas station where this happened. I wanted to take photos, but the station before me that didn’t make it easy to get gas with my card had taken up a lot of time. I was too bent on making it to my destination, I wasn’t going to bend my schedule by taking a few minutes out to take a photo of the sun which was always going to rise and fall another day, any day of the year really.
I was welcomed by my friend with a vegan meal. Some sort of green vegetable I’m blanking on the name of, along with some type of soup similar to squash or something like that. I don’t remember I was so tired yet so grateful my friend had put together this meal for us. I don’t know anyone who’d cooked a vegan meal for me before, aside from a friend back in Virginia who’d shared vegetarian recipes with me a few times. I think they may have made some sort of vegan cake one time too, I don’t remember.
Maybe I ought to write about these things before my memory begins to eat at them. Regardless if I remember the details, I remember the feeling. It was like having my socks taken off. Instead, it was sustenance. I was having something put into me that was good and effort had gone into it and thought, and the result was lovingly sweet.
I went to bed. I woke up on Thursday morning.
On Thursday morning I think I worked on a bathroom here that looked like concrete had been mixed in it by the previous tenant. It was caked with a thick layer of lyme. I began to scrape away at it with what I could. My friend who I’m living with helped us figure out what the bathroom needs to make it workable. The toilet was clogged (with water, just because there was so much lyme build up inside the bowl and inside the tank), there was no towel bar, the sink had lyme build up on it probably, and there was a hole in the ceiling. The bathroom is actually a nice bathroom, aside from these remainders of the tenant’s possible ignorance (minus the rain hole).
That night I think we went out to restaurant. It was nice.
My friend and I stayed up late talking on Thursday. Then on Friday morning I woke up at around 11 AM or so. I continued to work on the bathroom.
On Friday night, I did not sleep. I met two of my roommates for real, and we stayed up drinking and talking. It was nice of them to offer me beer. Before I got drunk I drove us to the alcohol store to get more beer with them. Then they shared more of it with me. Apparently the roommates had some anxiety before I moved in, they didn’t know they would like me as much as they do (more or less their own words).
At around 4 AM I took about 5 melatonin. I did not fall asleep. I stayed up talking with my roommate.
On Saturday morning, at around 8 AM, after having had maybe a 10-25 minute nap instead of an actual sleep, I drove my roommate to his work. Our other roommate joined us, who told me if I get Na’an bread he will make hummus. He’s a pretty neat guy. He wants me to animate a cartoon, and he wants to do voices on it. This is inspiring, I want to pursue this. The roommate we drove to work told me about a certain book I should read on the topic of healing. He brought this up when I was sharing with him the benefit of having told my friend about the scarring on his arm from a recent oil burn he got at work, and we discussed healing and hands-on healing and various other things. I possibly spoke for a long time about my ideas and inventions and approach to reality and manifesting things and so forth.
After driving one roommate to work, I came back with the other one and we had a nice drive back. Then I decided to go shopping for food. After I was done shopping for food, I went shopping for home remodeling materials. I had a great experience at the hardware store. I met 4 amazing and helping people. I also got the number of a cashier, a man who had once had a degree in computer science but is now a practicing yogi and does not use much technology.
I got back on Saturday and worked some more on the bathroom. My friend and I ate together. We had pasta. It was really wonderful. They asked me if I would write. I laughed and laughed and laughed. After having been up for 30+ hours, with only 10-15 minutes of napping, there was no way that I would be writing.
I went to bed. I slept around 13 hours or so and woke up refreshed. Yesterday, on Sunday, I finished the bathroom and took the first shower in it. I was really happy with the results. I trimmed my bear and shaved.
Before going to bed a made a list of 8 jobs I would want to apply to the next day. I put a star next to a certain one.
Today – Day 117
Today I woke up at 5:30 AM. My bathroom is in order, my room was organized somewhat yesterday, I’ve got food in the fridge, and I’ve got amazing books ready to read. I gave away one of my essence books to a friend a few weeks ago. It turns out the friend I’m living with has a book on them, as well as the Gnostics. There are many other books lying around the house that I can read.
In the morning I meditated. I also completed a session of white-boarding as I often do. Then I worked on updating two sites I’ve been working on, as well as maintaining one I made before. I applied to two jobs. One was the one I started the day prior, and one was one which I thought is worth applying to but not writing a cover letter for since I would want to know more about the position before devoting more time to it.
I got one response, for the one I wrote a cover letter for, about 3 hours after submitting my application. Tomorrow at 10: 30 AM I’ve got an interview call. I really need to finish my meditating for the night and get some sleep. I aim to wake up tomorrow early in the morning as well, and be strong, vegan, and happy.
To be continued…
P.S. My roommate just walked in and asked if I’m writing about him. He got super paranoid the other day after dropping the other roommate off, he looked at my voice recorder in the middle of my car and looked to see if it’s on. I told him he could have asked and that it wouldn’t just be on. He tried to figure out how to take the batteries and then thought it would be rude so he put it away. I encouraged him to take out the batteries, and he did.
He told me not to write about him. I told him not to worry, I probably would, but no one would know.
As he walked in and asked what I’m doing, I said I’m finishing up with a 11,000 word blog post. That’s when he asked if I’m writing about him, and I told him I am. He saw on the screen Day 117. He asked out his partner at 1:17 AM, and Master Chief from Halo is numbered 117. He thought it was funny he walked in on this.
I do too, considering that it is in fact Day 117 and this is the first time anyone walks up behind me and sees the day I’m writing about, and it happens to be a very important number to them.
Also published on Medium.