Last night I spoke with my friend who is visiting Greece, I thought it was 12:30 PM but my laptop was actually an hour behind. I went to bed at 1:30 AM and woke up at 6 AM. As a result I skipped showering, especially since I showered last night.

In the morning I also spoke with my friend in Greece again and enjoyed it. They’d had a crazy experience in a yoga retreat with a cult-like angry leader and their ex/partner. It’s kind of confusing.

Then I drove to work, had a great day, and enjoyed conversing with my trainer who is extremely intelligent.

After coming home I delivered some chai to someone who ordered it, which was exciting since it was the first chai order for my friend’s business. On the way back I picked up a sandwich, in a place that ran out of sauce, and that was quite confusing too. I went home with tabasco instead of sauce, thinking that it was pesto.

It was extreme fire, and glasses and glasses of water, along with buttered bread barely made it go away.

After eating I updated two websites, and now I’m writing, as well as FaceTiming with another friend who is deciding what to do regarding their partner, whether they should break up with them, and whether they themselves may actually be gay, or bi.

When speaking with people who are experiencing unhappiness, and anxiety, such as this friend with the partner issues, I seem extremely disconnected. I’ll listen politely and respond with positive and upbeat thoughts, and it flies straight past their heads half of the time. It’s hard for me to understand where they’re coming from, when I’ve experienced unhappiness caused by others and by myself, to the point where I realized it’s all caused by myself and that I have the choice to feel unhappy.

As I write, I tell my friend that they have the choice to be happy, and not feel this way. They say that they don’t know.

They’re saying that they’ve been thinking about a certain person more recently, and that it’s best they not say who right now.

They say it could be a certain person, and share their name, and that it could be anybody.

As I listen to my friend I do my best to remember not to let myself as they do, ever again. I’ve done that way too many times.

A few days ago I was at an intersection when I saw a lady…

My friend is saying that they’ll tell me who they were thinking about, and that they trust me and that I’m not even on social media so it doesn’t matter. And they said what if that other person was you?

I can barely hear them over the sound of me typing.

They said there’s another person that they’ve been thinking about is me. I tell them I’m not too available and that I’m far. They go on to talk about how they don’t want to lose me as a friend and how their polyamorous, and their partner is a monogamous catholic male and they respect that.

It’s getting late and I’m tired.

My friend goes on saying that me being far from them has it’s advantages. They said don’t you think so?

They said who knows what would happen if we were not far. Then they go on talking about their friend who is being mean. So I’ll return to my story now…

I saw a lady speaking on a phone, in her car, and she had a weird energy coming out of her. Like disbelief and disrespect and a disheartened energy and feeling. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but I imagined it was condescending or sarcastic. Her face was contouring in odd ways. I told myself that as long as I don’t find myself repeating unhappy events of what others have done, or what has happened to me, in a way that this lady was doing it, I would be a winner, I just have to fight hard enough to remember this.

As I type my friend continues to speak and I listen, to the sound of my fingers hitting my keyboard, expressing myself, until they ask me a question, which is when I hope that I remember the last 10 seconds enough to have a decent answer.

The earth isn’t that large. I’m not far from anyone who is on this earth, that is physically. As for my attention and focus, that’s another matter. Even my own mind is far away from myself. It flies away, with a string attached, and my body is on the ground holding it from flying away and away. I just do my best to keep it out of the branches or powerful winds that will break the string away.

As I write I realize that there are things I haven’t gotten to, but I don’t have time tonight, and I am exhausted, and I want to wake up tomorrow and go to work. So I must end this chat with my friend, and this writing.

To be continued…


Also published on Medium.