I feel like I’ve hit a sweet spot with life. It’s not the perfect spot, but it’s definitely sweet.

I enjoy what I eat, I enjoy what I do for work, I have a pretty good outlook on things, and all is well. Sometimes I can have the Dark Night of the Soul, but I think that’s normal. Just today I realized I’ve lived in 4 different places over the pat 12 months. Two in Virginia, and two in Colorado. I’m not sure if I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I recently moved, at the beginning of June or so.

It’s crazy to think how much I move. I realized this before and thought, boy, if I just spent a little less time and resources on moving, maybe I could build a foundation or something? You know? But it’s alright, yesterday I went to a marketing course my friend hosts and she’s lived in 44 countries over 10 years I think, so that’s upping the ante. Makes my moving seem trivial, like moving a dish from the sink to the drying pan, versus you know, getting up and going to a whole new place with a whole new culture, transportation, customs, and so forth.

I’m excited to see this friend again on Thursday, I bought a personal statement course with them. It’s an hour long and at the end I get my own “I am” card that she watercolors and so forth, so that’ll be neat because I’ll get a personal mantra too, and I’m desperately in need of a foundation for myself. Considering all my interests and all my passions, I can be torn at times, so it’ll be nice to go to this thing Thursday and say I deserve this, this is what I am meant to be learning about myself.

At the end of the month my friend is also visiting, which I may have mentioned. There’s some anxiety there about the whole thing. I mean, I’ve never had someone my age visit me anywhere when I’ve been out of the state they live in. There’s been one friend earlier this year, she’s 30 and her son visited, and I knew what the outcome of her visit would be for her, myself, and her son, just enjoying ourselves and relaxing, and that’s what we did. With my friend my age, it’s a little different. I’m worried about my friend having the best trip, but I’m not sure of how to ensure that.

As I may have mentioned, I put together a “menu” of different activities and such that can be undertaken where I live. I’m excited just to have off. They will be working half of their visit or more, remotely. I wonder what I will do during that time. Maybe some parkour, or running. Who knows? I could even wake up and go to the mountains early. On days that my friend has 5 hour shifts I could go up and down the mountains, twice really, with no problem. I could run a practice marathon for all I know, or go parkouring. Who knows if I will though.

What’s really bugging me is this 365 running goal. I don’t know if I can break it. I didn’t run yesterday, I have yoga today at 6 PM, and I finish work at 2 PM. How am I going to run? I feel a little heavy, too heavy to break 5:25 within the next 16 days. At my lowest maybe a month ago I was 133, now I am 141. I can’t imagine shedding half of that weight and running a 5:25 in 16 days. I don’t even know what my going mile time is right now.

I think I have a terrible memory because I’ve been living in what seems like 30 minute windows. If it happened 30 minutes or more ago, I don’t try to live in it, and if it’s going to happen in 30 minutes or more, I also don’t try to live in it. Sure, I’m mentioning the past and the future and all that and my feelings and thoughts about it all, but I’m not really there. It’s like I’m sitting in a theater looking at the scenes, really, I know that it’s all just scenery.

Coincidences are so crazy, yesterday I was going to the bathroom thinking about how beautiful this person was that I met, externally, internally, their radiance, their path, everything really. Then as I look in the mirror I see this sign in the bottom right that says “You are beautiful.” I had never noticed that before, so it was neat, I was internally praising someone for their beauty and then the mirror said to me, “You are beautiful.” It took me aback. It was quite an interesting “co-incide-ence.”

Today I logged into Facebook, I don’t know why again. Oh, I saw I had a visit to yesterday’s story from Facebook. I will check now, I hope it is not posting there anymore. It doesn’t seem like it is, so I’m not sure how I got a visit from Facebook. Who knows?

I watched “Storror” recently, their Asia movie, and it’s so great. I love watching Storror and I want to get their shoes as soon as they’re back in stock. Also I don’t know if I mentioned this, but yesterday I decided to wear a specific style of black shirt Monday through Friday. I don’t want to spend time deciding anymore. I’ve always known it takes time, and making a decision drains your decision power, and so forth. Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, and all these different billionares dress down to keep it simple and save their time. From the looks of it, so does Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.

So I was having a little bit of anxiety last night thinking about starting it outright, Monday through Friday, no in-between ramp-up period, Then I did the math. If I spend an average of 4 minutes a day picking clothes, fretting over a fold in a dress shirt like at the top where it bends by the neck, or rolling up my sleeves or down, picking a belt, and so forth, that’s a lot of times over a decade. About 160 hours I believe.

Then if I look at the time it might take to wash those clothes or worry about damaging them or whatever, and the mental processes that are associated with thinking about oneself and how others see oneself, could be worth a lot more than 160 hours. If I wear the same thing, all the time, I will feel comfortable in my “uniform” knowing no one is interested in me or what I have to say because of how I look. In fact, I would be glad to “downplay” my appearances, and just be simple. Being simple is nice.

So then I felt comfortable about the whole thing. I am going for black shirts but it could end up being grey or white. I will have to see.

Oh, I lost mostly all of my crypto currencies. My friend said one of them got delisted on the exchange he had them on, and he didn’t see it it in time and they got lost. That stinks, but it’s also the price I pay for lessons. Right? I learned many lessons, so there’s a lot of gratitude coming from me about that.

Today I meditated for 11 minutes, then I did my Tony Robbins 9 minute meditation. I have my 2 minute self-improvement meditation left, plus 11 minutes later tonight.

I meditated yesterday for 11 minutes even though my time of sleep if I went to bed then and there was already under 5 hours and quickly dwindling. I had a hard time falling asleep, I must have fallen asleep around 11 PM and then I woke up at 2:30 AM. It was weird, I was ready to go, up and about, but I went back to bed until 4 AM.

I don’t really know what comes next for me. I have a friend that’s visiting that I am anxious about seeing, I think I just have a really hard time socializing with people. Not sure if I mentioned it, but my second time I went parkouring this woman came up to me and asked me if she could balance with me. I said yes, and then continued on with my parkouring. I didn’t really notice she was into me. Oh, I definitely mentioned this yesterday.

But yeah, that’s worrisome that I look for company, friendship, what have you, but when people engage with me I don’t engage with them back. For example, a friend from Boulder texted me about shooting videos, he bikes and such. I responded once or twice, but haven’t really engaged again and made plans. Before my other friend, from the east coast, was planned to visit me, I wrote down what I “desire” when at my other friend’s marketing course. I wrote that I desire one friend my age that I hang out with at least once a month.

I remember seeing what I wrote and thinking this is the saddest damned thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Then my friend, my age, through deliberation and such, is finally planned to see me, but here I am questioning myself. What interests do I even share with others that might be valuable to them? I’m not quite sure.

I thought about my friend before falling asleep last night, and the book that they wrote when they were 16. I think they’re awesome and all, they’re the one who inspired me to go from being vegetarian to being pescatarian. I guess they lean towards veganism now, which is cool. As much alignment as there is there on that whole level, and as much safety as there is in the friendship (compared to any of my other friendships that could end or disappear at any point), there’s still something that’s missing for me. I don’t know what it is.

My other friend, the 30 year old person I mentioned, let me know via SMS to message them on Whatsapp. I said I would like a week ago, and I was the one that reached out to them. But I still haven’t even downloaded the app. I don’t know what it is with me. I just have a hard time keeping up those connections. When I was younger I could live in my phone, responding and talking to people and such, but nowadays it doesn’t happen as much.

Maybe it’s because I don’t share my true self with the other person, so there’s a dissonance and there’s nothing to really follow along with. But if I don’t share much it’s because I don’t know much about what I’m doing or what’s going on. I’m just here for the ride, I don’t really have commentaries about how the seat was built or how it feels or how my stomach felt around that turn. I think most of the time I just sit there, gripping the handles, wincing as I take turns that push me into the metal sides, or go through loop-the-loops that turn my stomach upside down, but I’m certain everyone else is feeling it too, or at least seeing me feel it, so what’s the point really in talking about it?

The thing that gets me the most is that it’s so easy to talk, but so hard to engage. Look at this story for example. I stated I would finish my book by April 30th. I have not looked at it again. It’s 140 or 200 pages or something, I have no clue. It’s 80% of the way done, as far as I know, but I’m not engaged or empowered enough to care to finish it.

Luckily my friend Dakota inspired me the other day. He has a website at dakotamays.com

He is vegan and his excitement about my social media marketing course that I created, but didn’t have enough time or interest to market, got me excited. That was last week. I wonder where that excitement is now. It was so nice speaking with him. He is 20 years old, and he reminds me of myself when I was younger, although he’s much farther ahead and strong, even compared to me now, which is great. I was thinking about mentors last night and today, I’d like one, but not quite sure where to find one, or if I would be a good mentee.

I have a pull but I just don’t know where. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m floating, sinking, or flying. It’s kind of disorientating really.

Most of all, I hate social media. Yeah, I built a course on how social media marketing works. But I hate it.

That’s where you truly see everyone’s un-engagement come together, or ignorance, or whatever. It’s kind of gruesome. Sure, it’s nice in so many ways, but I think the whole aspect of it putting me closer to interactions with others gives me anxiety.

For over 6 years I’ve had a love hate relationship with social media. Always a few moments away from deleting all social media accounts, to doubling-down on my content production and networking.

I don’t really know what the end goal is though. I don’t know what more “friends,” or “connections” would get me, I don’t care about money, I don’t really care about people’s opinions about the president or this and that. It’s kind of confusing really because I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for anymore.

I Googled how to not be bored or something a while back. Boredom comes out of not taking risk or something, as far as I know. It comes from your brain wanting new experiences. The problem is, when I have free time, I don’t want to do anything.

I specifically pack in productive work and such, to keep busy and get things done. Whether it’s actual work, or personal tasks. This weekend I cleaned my room, and I guess that’s a part of self-care and all, I organized it as best as I could and got rid of things I didn’t need. But if my room was already clean, I wouldn’t know what to do. Maybe I’d end up being a consumer, getting more stuff to fill it with. Or I would just sleep a bit and wake up and panic thinking I have to do something.

It’s hard to focus on books these days. I’m not sure how I’ll get the focus to focus on learning programming really. It’s such a daunting task. But at the same time it’s like, what else am I going to do with my time?

I like taking photos but I get bored moving them from the camera to my computer, picking the good ones, and then editing them. Sure it’s nice to see the end result, but I think it’s really boring. When did those photos ever change my life? I’m just looking at what I always look at. Nothing new.

I thought about doing an art gallery one time, I think it’s when I met this guy who’s hosted multiple ones. I have another friend who’s hosted multiple ones. She sent a painting with her friend’s dad, who is a pilot. But rather, he forgot to pack it. It’s all fine, my tea that I sent him, for my friend and her friend, got to him. That’s nice. I hope they will enjoy it.

I would probably not like hosting an art gallery. I think the one idea I had for an art gallery was making some sort of art that is like an illusion. Like creating art pieces that are overly simplistic, and putting the show on, then putting a show on for the audience, being contrived about one’s work and the importance of oneself, being contrived about the audience not understanding the underlying hints of it and so forth, and then really that’s the art exhibit. The way that people then feel about me, being contrived and all, they’d go away with all these judgements, but really they didn’t know that I was just a part of the gallery, an art piece that came alive, because it was bored and it wanted to say some dumb stuff to some people and see how well they would judge those statements and how much clout they’d put on the whole thing, versus shrugging their shoulders and such.

That’s one art show, I’ve had other ideas but they’re all a little out there. Not your traditional sort of thing. My art has never really had any structure to it.

To be continued…


Also published on Medium.